L'eau chaude coulait sur son visage émacié par la fatigue, ses cernes profondes et violacées. De son long nez perlaient l'eau et les larmes. Ses courts cheveux bruns lui laissaient le luxe de ressentir chaque goutte qui s'écrasait sur son crâne. Il n'était pas vraiment là, et il était absolument là. Assis en tailleur sous la douche, le temps s'était arrêté. Le monde autour n'avait plus de consistance. Il n'y avait que ce jeune homme, l'eau et les parois qui l'entouraient. La cadence rassurante de son cœur qu'il entendait au delà du bruit blanc.
Savourer chaque sensation, chaque mouvement. Apprécier le pattern constant du jet. Etre et même plus qu'être. Ainsi, il bloquait ses pensées, noyait sa souffrance pesante qui l'alourdissait, sorte de masse informe tumorale qui drainait toute son énergie. Tout ce qu'il arrivait encore à faire, c'est mettre un pied devant l'autre, en attendant que ça aille mieux. Et fuir sous la douche quand l'univers semblait de trop.
Alors la chaleur inhibait ses sensations, sa vue se troublait et il pouvait s'envoler loin et oublier pour un temps. Ou enfin exprimer sa douleur en spasmes douloureux qu'il devait retenir toujours. Puis, finalement, il devait sortir. L'eau devenue froide et les mains fripées annonçaient la fin du repli.
Alors le monde extérieur revenait, prenant un malin plaisir à être aussi froid, inhospitalier et mauvais qu'avant. Tout était gris, tout était terne. Il pouvait chercher longtemps des raisons d'être ici bas. Mais il n'y avait plus aucune trace de vie en lui. L'existence était venu à bout de tout ce qu'il était, de tout ce qu'il aimait et de tous ceux qu'il aimait aussi.
Il déambulait comme un zombie, accomplissant ce qu'il fallait pour rester en vie. S'habiller, manger, travailler. Dormir, des fois. Mais jamais plus jamais il ne se sentirait chez lui. Plus jamais il n'ouvrirait de porte en se disant qu'il était rentré à la maison. L'enfer, c'est pas tant les autres que ne pas être soi. Il sortit de son appartement impersonnel et mal rangé, se dirigea vers le parc sous la pluie. La musique plein les oreilles, sublime appoint à son humeur mortifère.
Il marcha un temps dans la boue, entre les arbres, avant de retrouver le coin où il avait joué toute son enfance, le coin où il t'avait rencontré et aussi celui où il a admit t'aimer. Il sembla un instant heureux, puis très fatigué. Doucement, très doucement, il sorti son pistolet, de sa poche. Il était étonnamment facile de se procurer des armes comme ça. Vive le monde occidental. Il chargea et presque sans hésita, tira dans sa tempe.
Il était temps de revenir à la maison.
-Clark
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